Secrets And Surprises
by AJ Matthews
Summary: The sequel to 'Desire And Denial'. Aragorn, Legolas, and the rest of the Fellowship are trying to rescue Haldir; Rutan is driving them crazy. New chapter up!!
1. Secrets And Surprises

Note: Only Rutan is my character! The rest are all J.R.R. Tolkien's creation! This is a humor fic, and the sequel to 'Desire and Denial', so expect the unexpected! Elvish speech is in ''. I've borrowed funny parts from movies and certain anime; those do not belong to me. Any funny ideas are welcome and appreciated!

Secrets And Surprises

Prologue:

Haldir of 'Lorien hung from the ceiling in an abandoned barn, and his feet barely touched the ground. His wrists were bound above his head, as the mischievous Elf looked at his captors.

"Where did the Hobbits go?" an Orc snarled.

Haldir remained silent, and the torture began again.

A feather tickled the bottom of his bare feet. The Elf squirmed and tried not to laugh.

"Stop!" Haldir cried, unable to stop laughing.

"Then tell us where they went!" a Uruk-Hai snapped.

Haldir choked out, amidst bursts of laughter, "I c-can't tell you."

The Orcs grinned. They'd been hoping that the Elf would not cooperate.

Haldir got a sinking feeling at their grins. It grew worse when a jar of honey was brought over.

"Tell us or we'll put this in your hair," a second Uruk-Hai said threateningly.

Haldir sighed, and deliberately spoke in a very low voice, to make certain that they would not hear what he said. "All right, you win. The Hobbits…"

"Speak up," an Orc sneered.

"The Hobbits…" Haldir repeated, again making his voice very soft.

The Uruk-Hai and the Orcs drew very close to the Elf. "What?" they asked.

"The Hobbits…" Haldir let out an ear-piercing scream, followed by a high-pitched Elven whistle.

The Orcs and Uruk-Hai screeched in pain, as Haldir laughed at them.

"I knew you were going to fall for that," he boasted.

The leader of the Uruk-Hai snarled, "Bring **it** in…"

Haldir gasped when the most horrible thing in the world entered the barn.

"Kiss the Elf!" the Orcs chanted several times.

Haldir swung desperately to get away from the thing.

It did no good.

The thing kissed the Elf, who shrieked in disgust and anger.

***************************

Back With The Fellowship

***************************

'Mommy, can I braid your hair?' Rutan asked. 'I promise to be good.'

Legolas made a face. 'I am male, addled one. I cannot be your mother.' He hid behind Aragorn when Rutan persisted.

Aragorn looked at Rutan and shook his head. 'Legolas, I always thought he was weird, but now he's gone and proved it.'

Rutan was prancing around in a dress, with his hair tied into pigtails.

The Hobbits were trying to hide from Rutan as well, for he wanted to play a game with them. But they knew better than to play a game with the strange Elf.

Rutan grabbed a hold of Legolas. 'Mommy, don't you love me anymore?' he whined.

Aragorn seriously considered using Anduril on the dark-haired Elf.

Merry and Pippin complained that they were hungry, so Aragorn instead threw apples at them.

Merry ate his apple quickly, but Pippin cried out in disgust.

"Strider, there's a worm in this apple," he complained.

"Eat it anyway," Aragorn muttered.

"Ew…" Pippin threw the apple, and it bonked Boromir on the head.

To be continued


	2. Torture And More

Note: Only Rutan is mine! The rest are borrowed from LOTR or other such places. They are not mine! Some of these scenes may be familiar; this, too, were borrowed and do not belong to me. Elvish speech is in ''.

Torture And More

Part 1

Haldir felt…sick. If he'd been free, he would have wiped his mouth off, cleaned his teeth, and then killed every one of the laughing Orcs.

The fish-man known as Noonsa (from Slayers, not mine) cooed at the Elf. He batted his fisheyes, trying to look attractive. But it only made him look worse.

One of the Orcs walked over to Haldir. "See? You should have just told us where the Hobbits where. It would have saved you some trouble."

Haldir promptly retched, unable to hold it in any longer. It went all over the Orc, who screamed for soap and disinfectant, along with boiling water. It then ran off to clean itself.

The other Orcs snarled at the heaving Elf, except for a few who hung near the back of the group. They approached him, brandishing a pair of scissors.

"Isn't that a little extreme for torture?" one muttered. The Orc shuddered as it looked at Noonsa. "And where did he come from?"

Another shrugged. "Who knows? Saruman probably created him or something. Though he is kinda creepy…"

A third chimed in. "I've heard that Noonsa's killed people with his kisses before. His fishy breath and all…"

The three thought about that for a few moments. "Ew…" they said simultaneously.

Haldir was still retching, so the Orcs finally sent Noonsa away, at least for a little while.

Beads of sweat were on the blond Elf's face, as he tried to keep his composure. He froze when he saw the scissors, and swallowed hard, fighting back the urge to retch again.

"Tell us or we'll cut your hair!" the leader of the Orcs snarled.

Haldir shook his head firmly.

"What will we cut his hair like?" an Orc questioned.

One grinned. "I vote for short and spiky."

Haldir shuddered. This was getting a little extreme, in his opinion.

Hmm… what to save? The Hobbits… his hair… His hair… the Hobbits. Both were important, and the Elf could not choose.

"What about a Mohawk?" a Uruk-Hai shouted. A roar of approval met those words, mostly from the other Uruk-Hai.

"I vote we color his hair," another cried.

"Purple!"

"Black!"

"Pink!" an Orc shouted.

Everyone turned and stared at it.

The Orc asked, "What?"

Haldir didn't even want to ask. He pulled on his bonds, afraid of the gleam in his captors' eyes as they approached him, scissors in hand.

"Stay away from me!" the blond Elf shouted. He swung on the ropes he dangled from, and lashed out with his bound feet.

Most of them flew back into a wall.

Haldir snapped, "Fix **your** hair before you touch mine. Mine is much, much better." He was looking straight at the leader of the Uruk-Hai. "See? My hair is long and smooth, with no knots or tangles. And yours… I've seen better."

The Uruk-Hai leader bellowed in his own language, asking the other Uruk-Hai if what the Elf said was true. Most nodded, so he put down the scissors and ordered them to fix his hair, until it was better than the Elf's blond hair.

They eagerly went to work, and brought out their own shampoo.

"No," Haldir muttered. "You have to use good shampoo." He gestured, as best as he could, to the bag around his neck. He'd completely forgotten that it was there.

One Uruk-Hai approached and took a hold of the bag. He removed a bottle of Elven shampoo from it, and sniffed it. Finding it to be a pleasant smell, he brought it over to where a small basin of water had been brought in.

The Uruk-Hai leader had his hair resting in the basin. It was long and dark, with many knots and tangles.

The other Uruk-Hai began shampooing his leader's hair.

Haldir hung, unnoticed for a while. And the Elf was glad of it. It was worth losing his shampoo to save both his hair and the Hobbits.

**************************

The Fellowship

**************************

Legolas were kissing sweetly, until a figure swung by on a vine.

Legolas groaned as he saw who it was.

Rutan was now wearing a loincloth, and his hair hung wild and free behind him. That is, it did until he promptly crashed into a tree.

"Did we have to bring him?" Legolas muttered, using basic Western for the first time since his memories were stolen. "He's nothing but a nuisance, Aragorn."

Aragorn cried, "Legolas, you're speaking Western instead of Elvish!"

"I am?" Legolas gasped. "It… it just… returned."

Aragorn embraced the Elf, who was relieved. His memories were returning finally, though there had been little hope of it.

'Do you know what this means, Legolas?' Aragorn questioned.

Legolas frowned thoughtfully. 'We can use Western instead of Elvish when we moan in pleasure at night?' 

Aragorn chuckled at those words. 'If you insist…'

Rutan awoke, meanwhile, and pounced on the blond Elf.

'Get off me, strange one!' Legolas cried. He shoved at the dark-haired Elf, who leaned over him.

A strange look entered the Elf's eyes, as he remembered fighting with Rutan before… But something had been wrong. His movements had been off and unsteady. Then Aragorn was there, holding him, until Legolas had succumbed to the… whatever it was.

Aragorn yanked Rutan off of Legolas and scowled at him. 'He's mine, Rutan. Get someone else.'

Rutan pouted. 'He's my mommy.'

Legolas had had it. He took a deep breath, hissing slightly. 'Rutan?'   
  


Rutan looked at the Elf he believed to be his mother. Yes?   
  


Legolas breathed in another deep, hissing breath. 'I am not your mother.'   
  


Rutan shouted, 'NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!' He sobbed. 'That's impossible! It can't be true!'

'But it is true,' Aragorn said firmly. 'Now get a hold of yourself.'

Rutan was drooling now, and a glazed look came into his eyes. He walked around in a circle, before cracking his head on a tree branch. Legolas was assisted to his feet by Aragorn, who placed his hand on his lover's shoulders.

'That is one strange Elf,' Aragorn muttered.

Legolas said, 'I know.' He looked at Aragorn carefully, turning his head. 'I fought with him before, did I not? He… did something to me, and then you were there.'

Aragorn smiled, knowing that this was proof that Legolas was recovering his memories, albeit slowly. 'Yes, dear one. He erased them with one of his potions. You weren't supposed to regain them.'

'But I am… slowly,' Legolas said.

Rutan began trying to chase himself, as the lovers shared a secret smile, gazing into each other's eyes with happiness.

In the meantime, Boromir glared at Pippin. "Fool of a Took!" He drew his sword and began chasing the Hobbit around.

"I didn't mean to hit you," Pippin cried, as he ran from the enraged human, who chased him relentlessly. Pippin finally ran over and jumped onto Legolas's back. "Save me!" he pleaded.

Boromir ran by, searching for the Hobbit. He tripped over Rutan, who was running around on his hands and feet. The Man lay sprawled in a muddy puddle. Mud was all over his hair and face.

Legolas' eyes were dancing with amusement, as he clamped a hand over his mouth. Aragorn was doing the same, as the two tried to keep from giggling. Pippin slipped to the ground, and started laughing. Everyone else, save for Rutan, Aragorn, and Legolas, was pointing and laughing at Boromir.

To be continued


	3. A Staff

Note: Only Rutan is mine! The rest are borrowed from LOTR or other such places. Some of these scenes may be familiar; they were also borrowed and do not belong to me. Elvish speech is in ''. Sorry for the delay! Yeah… I noticed the many typos in the last chapter… Whoops… I'll take it down and fix it… sometime in the near future. Takes place the night after the last chapter. I need funny ideas!!!! If you have one, name it!

A Staff

Part 2

Boromir glowered at everyone, as he sat alone, now wearing his clean clothes. He'd been giving everyone the evil eye, because they had laughed at him for falling into the muddy puddle. He'd cleaned off his face and hair finally, so he looked normal again… Sort of. The only problem was that he'd used Legolas' shampoo, which had made the Elf **very** angry, and Legolas had nearly strangled him, until Aragorn had pulled the blond beauty off, laughing the entire time.

Legolas and Aragorn were busy making out. Neither cared about the interested stares they were getting from the Hobbits, who gazed in fascination.

Gandalf was busy smoking pipeweed and watching over Rutan, who was walking around on his hands, trying to act like a juggler.

"Why do I have to watch him?" the wizard muttered. He yawned and leaned back against the rock behind him. "I'm too old for this…"

Legolas frowned and looked over at Gandalf. 'Aren't I older than you?' he questioned, until a sweet, warm kiss was planted on his lips. 'Mmm…' he moaned. The Elf turned back to his lover eagerly, as soft kisses were trailed up his neck.

"That is sooo gross," Gimli whined. "How many times a day do we have to watch them make out?"

Aragorn snickered. "Who said you had to watch?" A soft gasp from the beauty in his arms distracted the human, and he continued, running his tongue over the pointed ears, one at a time. He then nipped at them

Legolas whimpered slightly, for Aragorn was using his one weakness against him… his ears. Elven ears were so sensitive that a single touch there could unnerve an Elf.

Gimli flushed crimson, and was glad that his beard hid it. "Excuse me for not wanting to see **or** hear you two going at it again." He was just complaining, as usual. He secretly enjoyed watching the two, but would never admit it.

A soft, Elven shoe smacked the Dwarf in the head as an answer.

Rutan abruptly stopped walking on his hands. He glanced around, wanting a toy to play with.

Gandalf had fallen asleep, and his staff lay at his side, on the ground. Puffs of smoke were around the wizard as he slept.

The addled raven-haired Elf picked up the staff and began playing with it, waving it around. 'Mommy…' Rutan called sweetly, using the staff's magic to incinerate a nearby rock.

'I'm not your mother,' Legolas shouted, which was silenced by a tongue suddenly entering his mouth.

A loud explosion sounded, drawing everyone's attention over to Gandalf, who miraculously slept right through it. 

Rutan waved his toy around, making boulder, trees, and other objects blow up. 'This toy is fun!!' he said happily, aiming it towards the Hobbits, who shrieked and ran, diving onto Aragorn and Legolas.

'Ow…' Legolas muttered, as Frodo's foot connected with his head.

'Watch it,' Aragorn muttered, feeling the weight of Pippin and Merry on him. 'Do you mind?' he asked pointedly, as he stroked Legolas' hair.

'I didn't mean it,' Frodo wailed. 'But Rutan's going to kill us!' Sam nodded in agreement, gesturing to where the Elf was.

Rutan danced around, happily blowing things up. He didn't even notice the panic he was causing amongst the Hobbits, as bubbles began appearing from the magic staff.

Legolas finally looked over and fainted. Aragorn patted his face, to wake him up. It eventually succeeded.

Gimli laughed, until a blast from the staff nearly destroyed his helmet. He leapt out of the way. "Brilliant idea, Aragorn! Let Gandalf watch the crazy Elf!!" he shouted sarcastically.

Aragorn retorted, "It wasn't my idea!"

Boromir finally looked over. "Why did you let Gandalf watch him?" he snapped. "I'm trying to think."

"It wasn't our idea!" Gimli and Aragorn shouted.

Legolas cried, "Whose idea was it?"

Boromir, Aragorn, and Gimli all answered, "It wasn't our idea!"

"Then whose was it!" Frodo yelled angrily, as the group scattered, when Rutan absentmindedly aimed the staff at them and a blast came towards them.

Legolas shouted, "It wasn't my idea!", along with Aragorn, Gimli, and Frodo.

"It wasn't ours," Sam and Frodo protested.

Everyone froze and looked directly at Pippin.

"Pippin…" Aragorn said warningly.

"Just because I accidentally knocked that skeleton into that well thing and woke up a Balrog that nearly killed Gandalf does **not** mean that him watching Rutan was my idea!" Pippin snapped.

Merry whistled nonchalantly. "Sure it does. You're a fool of a Took, Pippin, and everyone knows it."

Pippin promptly burst into tears. "I am **not** a fool of a Took, Merry! It was **your** idea for Gandalf to watch Rutan so we could watch Aragorn and Legolas!" he wailed, sobbing.

Sam and Frodo instantly began comforting Pippin, scowling at Merry.

Merry flushed. "Sorry…"

Legolas squirmed, because he was now trapped under three Hobbits. "How about getting off me?" he questioned.

None of the Hobbits were listening.

"Hello?" Legolas asked. "Get off!"

Aragorn ordered, "Get off him, Frodo, Pippin, and Sam."

The three Hobbits glared at him.

"We're having a Kodak moment," Frodo informed him, before he went back to patting Pippin on the shoulder.

Aragorn looked **really** confused. So did Legolas, as he wiggled out from under the Hobbits, before he stood and went over to Aragorn.

The two began making out again, standing up, as Rutan ran around, creating chaos with Gandalf's staff.

*****************

Somewhere

*******************

Haldir was moaning, 'Oh, the humility…' His face was scarlet, as he lay on the ground, with his hands chained and being held above his head. His golden hair lay on top of a towel, keeping it from getting dirty. It was spread out fully on the towel.

The Elf had never been so humiliated in his life.

The Uruk-Hai and Orcs were using hair gel to finger-paint the blond hair, streaking it with many different colors. As a result, the Elf's hair was beginning to resemble a rainbow.

Haldir had never been so close to bawling in his life. His hair…his beautiful hair… How could this be happening to him??

The Uruk-Hai grunted in pleasure, as they inspected their work.

"Good," an Orc snarled. "Keep it up. We'll break him, eventually." He gestured to some other Orcs, who were carrying a make-up case with nail polish, eye shadow, mascara, lipstick, and a crimper. Along with a pair of tweezers.

The make-up was quickly passed around, and they began using it on Haldir, who whimpered in protest. It didn't work.

Bright, cherry-red lipstick was put on Haldir's lips by a sniggering Uruk-Hai, as hot pink nail polish was painstakingly applied to not only his fingernails, but also his toenails by several grinning Orcs. Purple eye shadow was placed on his eyelids, underneath a softer magenta eye shadow.

Haldir moaned and tried to wriggle free, but could not. The mascara was applied to his eyelashes, and the stick accidentally poked him in the eye, causing the Elf to cry out. His blond hair was still drying from the hair gel, so his tortures skipped the crimper for now. Instead, they began plucking at his eyebrows with the tweezers.

The mistreated Elf struggled for a while, before falling silent as it continued. Eventually, he heard a low moan and realized that it was coming from him. The evil snickering around him told Haldir that the Orcs and Uruk-Hai could hear his moans, too.

To be continued


	4. Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Note: Only Rutan is mine! The rest are borrowed from LOTR or other such places. Some of these scenes may be familiar; they were also borrowed and do not belong to me. Elvish speech is in ''. Sorry for the delay! Vote for who the mysterious Elf is. Must be a LOTR Elf. And remember, it cannot be Haldir, because he is currently being tortured. Sorry it's so short!

Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

Part 3.

Haldir was now hanging from his feet upside down, with thick rope looped around some boards in the ceiling, and his bare ankles were bound together with the rope.

He still wore the makeup that had been put on him, along with his rainbow-colored hair.

As his blood rushed to his head, the Elf's face flushed. He was *so* not feeling well, for his vision was swirling around and around, making him feel like he was either going to retch or faint. Haldir preferred to do neither.

The Uruk-Hai demanded to know where the Hobbits were, and Haldir spit on the closest one in defiance.

"EW!" the Uruk-Hai shrieked. He ran away to clean himself.

Haldir smirked and stuck his tongue out at the others. "Come any closer and I'll do the same to you,' he threatened. All the same, he was starting to wonder when in the **** were Legolas and the others going to rescue him. Legolas would insist upon it, the 'Lorien Elf knew.

'You'll pay for that,' an Orc snapped. He brought out the scissors and quickly began going to work.

Haldir shrieked in fury and swung his bound fists at the Orc. 'Get away from my hair!!!'

Unfortunately, it was too late. The long, rainbow hair now was cut into jagged, uneven strands, highly resembling the hair that was on the scarecrow, which was positioned in the cornfield outside of the barn.

Orcish sniggers were heard by the Elf, who was ready to weep. He had **not** signed up for this, or agreed to escort Frodo to Mordor or anything of the kind!

Saruman himself appeared in a blinding flash of light, with so much smoke around the Istari that everyone, including Haldir, started choking on it.

Saruman glowered as a few Orcs muttered some choice words, before he turned to the Elf who had been captured. The evil Istari started laughing when he saw what had been done to Haldir, who spit at him as well.

"Traitor," Haldir hissed at Saruman. "And what's with **your** hair?"

Saruman bonked the Elf on the head with his staff in anger. "Shut up!" he snapped. "I will ask the questions. Where is the Ring!?!"

Haldir whistled innocently before replying, "I ate it." He smirked at Saruman and stuck out his tongue. "It was tasty, too."

Gasps and screeches loudly met that bold statement.

Saruman growled, "Then you shall face my WRATH!" His voice broke on the word 'wrath'.

Haldir snickered, but grew silent as a hideous wailing began sounding. He grimaced at the high-pitched sounds continued, sounding much, much worse than nails on a chalkboard, especially for an Elf with sensitive hearing.

Haldir flinched, for his ears were throbbing. The tortured Elf was getting very annoyed with the Fellowship, because he had saved them, after all, and they couldn't be bothered to rescue him when he was captured defending them?

Hmph… Next time he wouldn't be so nice, Haldir thought, as the Orcs took up the song as well, along with the Uruk-Hai.

Maybe he ought to force them to listen to this, to teach them a lesson, Haldir mused, a mischievous look in his eyes, before it faded to a hollow sound.

He whimpered, as the sounds grew even higher in pitch, until Haldir could no longer hear anything, not even his low moans.

*************

Somewhere

*************

Aragorn and Legolas broke apart as the human tackled the Elf to the ground, avoiding another blast from Gandalf's staff.

Rutan danced around, as he enthusiastically used the staff to cause mayhem among the Fellowship.

He didn't notice the panic he was causing, as he discovered that he could make things appear by smacking the staff on the ground and pointing it forward.

He absentmindedly created a Balrog, which freaked the Hobbits out. Boromir and Gimli defended the little ones, while Gandalf slept on.

Legolas cried out as a blast from the staff singed part of his hair. 'I knew it, I knew it, we should **not** have brought him!'

'We couldn't just let him wander around alone,' Aragorn said sternly. 'Not while he's so addled.'

'Addled or not, he is destroying this clearing and my hair! Not to mention putting all of our lives in danger!' Legolas yelled angrily as a second blast hit him.

Aragorn sighed, took a deep breath, and bellowed, "GANDALF!"

The Istari blinked his eyes open sleepily in time to see Rutan create a second Balrog with **his** staff. "That's my staff!" he shouted, as he stood up and ran over to where the dark-haired Elf was waving it around, before he smacked it on the ground again.

Arwen appeared next, along with a certain other Elf. Her clothes were disheveled as she kissed the other Elf, not noticing where she was.

'Arwen?' Aragorn questioned, shock written on his face.

Arwen gulped and looked around at the scattered Fellowship. 'Um… I would say this isn't what it looks like… but it is,' she whispered. Her lipstick was all over the other Elf's mouth and face.

Legolas scowled and muttered, 'Good thing I'm here to comfort Aragorn.' He put an arm around Aragorn, patting him on the back. 'It'll be ok- and look on the bright side. Now you don't have to tell her that the two of you **aren't** going to marry.'

'You're right!' Aragorn exclaimed. 'What would I do without you?' He planted a firm kiss on Legolas' lips, causing a gasp from Arwen and the other Elf.

Gimli looked at Arwen, flushed slightly, and muttered, 'Could you **please** fix your dress?'

It was her turn to gape at Aragorn, as Arwen re-buttoned her dress. She didn't know what to say, and Aragorn apparently did not, either.

The other Elf held Arwen close, wondering how they had gotten there.

Boromir was looking at Legolas, jealousy on his face as the Elf eagerly kissed his lover.

Gandalf finally grabbed his staff away from Rutan and smacked him in the head with it. The addled Elf collapsed on the ground.

The Hobbits were still shrieking, so Gandalf turned to them and yelled, "There is no reason for you to be screaming like that. He's out cold, now. And I just have one question. HOW DID HE GET MY STAFF???"

Everyone froze in the clearing, looking at Gandalf, except for the Balrogs, who advanced on the three Elves.

Frodo's hand went to the chain around the neck, when he suddenly realized… "The Ring is gone!" he shouted.

To be continued


End file.
